self reflection sunday

How have I changed from the person I was 5 years ago?

One big way I can feel I have changed in the last couple of years is my way of expressing myself. I have constantly been told by several people that I am too this and too that. Usually it’s me being too blunt, too loud, too talkative. I could feel myself throughout the years lose my spice, my pizzaz if you will. Slowly but surely every year I lost myself to those “you’re too this and that” I lost myself to society, wanting to hush those voices I grew up with. I wanted to not stand out so much. I lost my spunk. So much so that now I don’t know how to communicate with folks, quarantining didn’t help a bit. I was isolated only talking to a 6 year old and damn near losing my mind. When everything started to open back up and I had to go back to work I noticed right away that the way I communicated with people was less.. me and more curt, less lively. And all of this makes me want to stay isolated from the people I already know and make new friends so that I can reinvent myself.

I don’t know if any of that will resonate with anyone else but this has been heavy on me for some time now. I feel desperate, trying to escape from those I would normally turn to. I just wanna be anew. Free, me. Without caring what anyone thinks. I want to run away. I don’t want to be where I am. I want my confidence back, my zero fucks attitude back. I don’t want to second guess every thing in my life like I’ve been doing for the last couple of months. I need a hiatus from this life.

I am grateful for my 7 year old boy, who’s full of joy and love and light. I am thankful for my home, my health increasingly getting better every day. I am grateful for good cries and deep laughs.

“Life is like a cup of tea… It’s all in how you make it”